Happy New Year…

1 Jan

Well… It’s a new year anyway… Happy? That remains to be seen.  Realizing that the “happy” part is completely up to each of us seems to escape people. Making a decision to be happy means you get up each day and you “BE HAPPY.” Like in softball, or baseball.  You decide NOT to swing.  Swinging is a given. It’s going down. You ARE SWINGING the bat.  The decision part comes in when you DECIDE, as you see the ball coming towards you, that you are NOT going to swing.  Anything other than deciding against swinging, is swinging. It may be a swing and a miss, but swing you must. If you are living your life in the opposite philosophy, then you are bass-ackwards and need to change your game plan. Anything other than getting up every day deciding to swing, is cultivating the same old behaviors and habits. That’s not how you “BE HAPPY.”

BE HAPPY! DO IT! IT’S UP TO YOU, AND ONLY YOU.

batter

Sad and Tired…

16 Oct

It’s funny to me that I never post here.  It is kind of an outlet for me, especially since no one knows this is my blog, or more correctly, that I have this blog.  I suppose it’s that whole “busy life” thing that keeps bringing me down, because I seem to take care of everyone but me.  And it’s hard when you get the vocal “thank you” and that’s all you get. Actions speak louder than words. This has always been my issue.  I read body language. I feel body language. I see body language.  And what I read, feel and see, is that I am not very important.  I am only necessary to meet the needs of others.  I am so taken for granted.

I am tired of going out of my way to do nice things for my family and them coming to expect it. I am tired of being the bad guy when I have to ask for what is only necessary.  I’m just done. That’s all, I guess…

The Paradox of Robin Williams [RIP]

12 Aug

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What Dreams May Come?  I guess that is a good question.  I’m not very happy about Robin Williams leaving us.  It’s hard, to at once be a comedic genius as well as an empty vessel.  The anguish of surviving day to day is gutting.  The primal scream of “make it stop” when by all indicators you should be deliriously happy is not a therapeutic treatment.  I have screamed, and begged, and collapsed into a heap, waiting on God to just take me.  I don’t belong here.  I’m not from here.  I can’t do this anymore. Please, make it stop. I can’t go on. Please. Just, please.

That’s what is hurting me.  If Robin Williams – with all that his name encompasses – cannot cut it here on Earth, what hope do the rest of us have? If he can’t make it, where is the hope for me to persevere? In the end, it all comes down to the fact that we each are all we truly have.  We ARE alone.  We are born singularly and we leave the same way.  Yet, we are told to embrace the understanding that we are all one.  Maybe society is fanning the flames of a different mindset, of all about ME, but when you don’t have cameras on you 24/7 or the money to continue to buy followers, what is the story?  How do we get past the ache to know? To have our questions answered? What keeps us from saying, “Death can’t be any worse than this” when it comes down to the ultimate moment of truth?  What if death is awakening?  What if our job IS to see how quickly we can bail? Do we stay on the planet out of guilt for the grief we would cause our loved ones?  Is the guilt sufficient to make me risk screwing up my daughters more by sticking around and trying to “help them understand life” through my limited senses?  Do I screw them up more, or not as badly, if I just step off and love them from the other side of whatever is out there?  Do I bequeath them a life of remorse if I leave?  I cannot say.

But I do hope that I am strong enough to hang on.  I pray I can endure the daily ins and outs of parenthood, adulthood, love, life, loss.  I really do want to be able to navigate the waters of what my life is.  I just don’t know if I can.

I’m tired.  I think Robin was tired, too.  Tired of being funny. Tired of making other people laugh while he was disintegrating on the inside, molecule by molecule.  Until finally the balance shifted and there was not enough left inside to anchor him to this reality. And then, “Check, please.”  I mourn the loss of a great man and a great talent.  And surely a great heart.  It takes a great heart to hang on by your fingernails, no matter the reality painted about you. To try just one more day.  To realize that there are no more days for you, and like it or not, you go.  I do not know what dreams may come for Robin, now that he’s on the other side of this existence. I hope they are beautiful and vivid and worth it.  I desperately want to trust that he is not just at peace, but at play. At joy. At relief. At home, wherever that is.  May his heart be light, and his regrets few. May his love endure, as that is all there truly is left when we depart.

One Down…

6 Jun

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So it’s Friday! Thank the gods!!!  The week seemed to fly by but I’m sure the weekend will as well.

So good news… My mammogram came back good!  So relieved!  I suppose there was no reason to expect anything otherwise, but something is off and I’m not sure what it is.  I have to reschedule my bone scan.  Halfway forgot/halfway blew it off, because I wanted a week off of coffee and with my supplements and no gluten… blah blah blah…  Who knows if it will make a difference?  I still haven’t heard the results of my chest x-ray. I’m going to call today. 

Crazy morning already! Have a great weekend!

Argh!!!

1 Jun

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Today I am a pirate. I will take no prisoners. No quarter shall be given. 

Yesterday was pretty good.  Had my doubts but all in all it went well.  Not feeling all that hot today.  I could use some breakfast. lol.

It’s another gorgeous day here.  I’m going to do my best to spend some time relaxing. Back to work tomorrow and not looking forward to it.  I have SO enjoyed the time off, even if it was under the premise of health issues.  I guess I’ll hear what all that looks like shortly.  Whatever shortly means…. 

Never surrender!!  Either way, not going down with the ship!

Today my power lies in seizing the day…

31 May

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The Seven of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in seizing the day. I step in, recognize, or create opportunities to take it to the next level and communicate leadership or earn respect through performance. I am empowered to rise to the occasion by a window of opportunity and I transform through motivation.

Yepp…  this is how I start my day.  One of the very first things i do is check my email for my Tarot card of the day.  They send the same one to everyone.  But they always seem tailor made for me.  I like today’s card.  It’s accurate.  It is Saturday and my schedule is wide open this morning.  The pup got me up at 5:00 a.m. and again at 7:15.  He’s just bored. Doesn’t even need to potty.  Little rascal.  But I’m up so I gotta be at ’em.  Or at it or whatever. Made coffee – full strength.  I’ve been mixing it half with decaf.  No one knows but me.  The power is maddening!

So I have to plant some seeds today – literal and metaphorical seeds.  Got to remember what’s important. If the end is nigh, I don’t want to waste time. I want to seize the day – today and everyday.  So it looks like it’s the seeds, the deck, the flower bed out front (using some SERIOUS poetic license here) that is loaded with weeds and they are SO  at home.  I will not be happy about yanking them to their doom, but they have the rest of the yard to thrive, so I’ve made peace with that part.

Bought the new sheets. Not the color I planned on but much better for spring and summer.  Took me all freaking day after my visit to the Radiology Moguls to find what I wanted.  I went bargain shopping first.  Outlets and places off the beaten path.  Totally picked over goods with nothing in a queensize that I wanted.  Got the 100% cotton sheets at Macy’s so we’ll see if they actually are more  comfortable.  It really IS the little things. It are the little things?  The little things go a long way. Yeah. That works.

All day party later. Think we are going around 4 or 5.  I’m taking my fever blister with me.  Yes – VERY excited to have one to garner more attention to myself.  The stress is surely wearing on me.  Couldn’t find anything to wear for today while shopping yesterday.  I’ll dig through the summer clothes and find something.  It’s a 24 hour party so most people will be well into it by the time we get there.  No sense in wearing heels or a cute dress.  No no.  This is a rugged, last-man-standing kind of thing.  And no, it’s not being touted as that but we all know that’s the reality.  I will be bent on hydration and no sunburn.  While wearing sensible shoes.  Cute, sensible shoes.  Hmmmm… today might be a good day for pony tails.  We’ll see.

So I guess there really isn’t much to report today.  Tori stalled the lawnmower yesterday when she moved it to put some furniture in the shed.  Hubby’s PISSED.  Just got it fixed a week ago.  Hadn’t even mowed the yard yet.  Will NOT start.  I should get him up to look at it – he’s still got to make a boatload of wings to take to the party.  Fingers crossed for all that stuff.

I’m beat already.  The caffeine should kick in anytime.  I gotta leave this page.  I keep accidentally deleting what I’m typing – I do not love laptops with that whole thumb button thing.  The towel is thrown in and I’m out.  Have a beautiful weekend.

Your friend, Non Sequitur  ;-P

WTF PEOPLE?!!

30 May

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My life has fallen apart.  No one really knows the whole story.  Some know parts of it.  I do not think anyone knows all of it.  I am treading water so hard.  So much going on.  So much to handle.  So much to wrap my head around.  Trying to not implode.

I may try to document it all here, in case someone finds it someday when they have questions. Or maybe I’ll find it someday, when I have answers.  I rarely go back and read what I’ve written after the first couple days.  Doesn’t sound much like a journaling experience, does it?  Guess that’s one of the things I should remedy.

Lots to remedy. I must begin.

Today: Mammogram and chest x-ray.  Since I won’t get the results for a few days, I plan to enjoy my weekend.  Shopping therapy is good because I need new sheets.  That’s right.  New Sheets.  That’s what’s floating my boat today.  And I need to float.  To rise above.  To find my intestinal fortitude… because I’ve been a No Guts, No Glory girl my whole life.  I’m never out of guts, but I am out of mental energy.  The brain continues going a thousand miles a minute, but my mind and my heart are exhausted.  Pray for me.

Last Night on Earth (Part III)

28 Apr

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So to finish my thought… months later… 

I had not realized that my dad had died on the day that I had my impromptu “Last Night on Earth” experiment. I found out a few days later when I saw a friend post on Facebook about the anniversary of HIS father’s passing was a few days before… on the same date.  I wrinkled my forehead. I counted backwards from the date, and realized our fathers passed on the same date, though years apart.  I was a bit dumbfounded, as I rarely forget dates and certainly not the date of the day my father died.  Was I preoccupied?  Well, heck.. when WASN’T I?  My life went at what seemed like 1,000 miles per hour all the time. 

I guess what messed with me was the fact that my father was so important to me, and I miss him so much and I had just let the anniversary of his death slip from my mind.  I wondered what my dad would think about that.  And oddly enough, that is where I found my solace. 

I believe in my heart that my father would prefer me to forget the anniversary of his death.  Because my life is here on Earth, and he is not.  He would encourage me to never forget him, but he would also want me to not find a day to spend mourning him for the sake of mourning or the sake of …what?  He is in SUCH a better place and is at peace.  Why would I mourn that?  What I am mourning is MY loss.  My personal notice of his absence.  Well I do that all the time, not just October 20th.  He would want me to spend a night enjoying the company of my dearest friends and my husband. No one knows better than he, who died at 56, how precious these moments we have with our loved ones are.  He would want me to forget this death, and celebrate my life.  If I didn’t get that message from his early passing, then I would be a slow learner indeed.  My dad wants me to LIVE.

He would want me to BE in the moment. To love the ones I am surrounded by at the time I draw a breath. To celebrate our joys and happiness.  To FIND the joy and peace in each moment.  A little more than six months after I missed a day of remembrance for my father, I am finally finishing the third part of this post.  The last six months have been a roller coaster in ways that a very few know.  But I have come through it so much wiser and eternally grateful for the lesson of living in the moment. Of loving the ones in my life and celebrating the short time we are together. My biggest lesson is a second chance at life, and love, and friendship and they all culminate with gratitude. 

I am grateful for my father who taught me so much, and a great deal of that was what NOT to do in life. I am grateful that in the short time I have left – be it days or decades, I will not squander my chance to bring joy to my life in a conscious way.

[image found here:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kzPLQpLAxc4%5D

I’ll hold them back…

30 Mar

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So this morning I’m working on a tribute image for My Chemical Romance that is for a Thank You Project on FB.  My 16 year old daughter walks out of her room and I try to freeze, but it’s hard because I am laughing so hard.  She starts by the door of her old bedroom, that is now the office.  She stops dead in her tracks, nearly stumbling.  I am sitting in the small closet with a clothes iron, a head scarf and a camera trying to get a photo.

Her: WHAT are you doing?…..

Me: (HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER) I’m working on an MCR tribute project that’s due today.

Her: wait… (runs to get phone)

We take a few more photos, laughing harder each time.

Thank you, MCR.  For the MUSIC.  For the VENOM. For the LOVE. For the CAMARADERIE. For the chance to bond with my daughters IN A WAY THAT ONLY MUSIC CAN ALLOW.  For being there for the countless lost souls who found their way home through your compassion, and caring, and availability and FUCKING AWESOME LYRICS.  We are all in this together.  One.  One LOVE.  One fight at a time.  One theme:  Carry on.

We’ll meet again, when our cars collide.  To the end.  So long, and good night.  You’ve said it so many times. In so many ways.

Save yourselves.  I’ll hold them back.

                                            mama  

Kiss the Ring

18 Jan

Holy Shit.

That is what I’m TALKING about!

Man.

I love you guys. I feel like I watched you grow up. Grown up you have.

I can’t begin to know the reason that you didn’t release these songs, as I’m sure the factors were many.

I think Frank may be on to something.  These sound like they’ll become all time favorites in the near future.  But what do I know, right?  Well actually…